Sick of it...

Last night, even though thoughts of loneliness, anger, and insecurity were very prominent in my thoughts, I went to bed fine. There were no pre-Christmas day jitters. Since when did I stop being excited about Christmas? Was it when I stopped caring so much about gifts? Or is it completely at my fault for somehow, in some way, intentionally losing excitement?

The same applies [and trust me, I hate cheesy analogies, but this really fits well...] to my faith right now...I am holding myself back so much! I have brought myself to a place where I am becoming critical of everything that doesn't speak directly to my heart, when the reality is that God speaks through whatever means he chooses. I need to, right now, start and kill my will. (not my awesome friend Will Rowland though, I meant my desires...my personal, selfish agenda). When I let the Lord take over, excitement will come back. It will.

Two reasons that I feel dull and numb:

[1] I am not being open and not letting anyone in to my heart or thoughts, nor am I allowing anything to captivate me emotionally. WHY? I don't know! But I'm going to try and stop...

[2] I am spiritually being held captive. I feel that fact stronger each day. The chains have been broken many times in my past; however, the damn "enemy" has me bound still, or again. I say this not as an excuse to my human flaws and inability to conquer struggles. I say this because I know that there is something going on that needs to be taken care of. I am help captive, and am trying to escape through prayer, by loneliness, sadness, lust, confusion, insecurity, laziness, and a lack of self-confidence. It's time for these to leave. It's time to see some victory...