(still?)ness

do you still have that smile to which the sun can't compare?
because I've thought a lot lately about how you lit up my world, my life
you used to look at me, eye's glowing, through your purple hair
but that's gone, I missed out, and now you're going to be someone else's wife

do you still find joy in just living your own way?
because I've thought a lot lately about how you always could
or has the past pierced you so many times that you sometimes can't stand another day
I didn't know how to help, and didn't think anyone else would...

do I still have a shred of myself, a piece of innocence left?
because I've thought a lot lately about the times I've turned to anything else but You
I used to smile at ease. No worries, and laughing,behind each breath...
but I've tried every way, done everything to run away from that, even knowing that's not what I should do...

do Y(hwh)ou still look at me like that?
why do You still look at me like that?
how can You still look at me like that
because I'm too deep
because I'm too far
because I'm too unvaluable
aren't i?
No? I'm not?
No! I'm not!
I see it now...
that look in Your eyes,
that blood on Your face
that ghost inside me, screaming and touching my every sense
beckons over [and again over], "Come..."
You, my Saviour, throw out the failures!They're gone. Coverd [by that blood on your face]
the love i've lost...i missed my opportunity a long time ago...The Lord has not left me
the friends I've hurt with...we've been through everything together and still haven't healed...The Lord holds us strong
the cigarettes, the painful images, the insecurities...how did I ever get to that point? The Lord delivers and will reign over my life.
It's time for change

[wind]ing road

The wind was crazy yesterday. Absolutely crazy. I mean I was working 10pm-6am and walking around and it almost put my on my face a couple of times.

...and I could have sworn that one time, in a gust of violent wind, that God was incredibly angry at me
what have i done lately to deserve any grace?
what attempts have i made recently to anchor even one bolt to help me climb out of this cavern?
how many times have i recently [blatantly] ignored His presence. drawing me. calling to me. crying for me.?
why haven't i just let Him take me over?
what am i so afraid of?

Here's the answer key to those questions:
you've done nothing to deserve any grace...
you've not made any bolts to progress or signify a desire to leave this cavern...
too many times to count...
because you're afraid...
you're afraid of insufficiency
of incompletion
of inability


I know that this note is a bit melancholy...it is the abstractness of the core of some of the negative ideas in my head.

To be completely honest, I'm doing really, REALLY well. While I am being honest though I must say that I ran far away from my walk with the Lord for awhile. and that is changing.

Tomorrow I'll post some things that are actually happening in my life...


I do not confess that these chains are stronger than I can handle, for I am empowered by the greatest force that has or will ever exist. But it is truthfully taking me a bit longer than expected to break free.

I love ya'll...and sorry I've been away for so long. Take care, love people more than you ever thought you possibly could, and I will talk to you soon.

-sfk

Can't Stop Till I Get Enough

So a whole lot has happened over the past couple of weeks. I won't be dragging that all over your eyes, but coming soon I will let you guys know what's up...No worries...I just have to be done with Monday because I'm working until 6am and it's gonna be a lonnnnng day...

Don't worry, I've not given up on this blog...never....

o love that lasts...

something I wrote a long time ago that I just found...

o love that lasts,
you aren't the same love of my past
i'll rest in you
if you move in me
and forever I will never be
alone

~sfk~

I'm Sorry...

I'm so genuinely sorry. I hope you know that. I wish things were not as they are.