breaking loose

This is a lion. Obviously.

I took this picture 3 years ago while on a safari at Masai Mara, Kenya. "Why the picture of a lion?", you may ask? Here it begins:

Before I started my first year of college back in 2005 (has it really been that far in the past?!?), I will confidently say that I lacked much of any sense of individualism and self-identity at all. As much as I genuinely have learned from my pastor, youth pastor, and other influential characters in my life over the years, I had also been stuck in a large [now very obvious] rut of conformity and low self esteem. Whatever front that I displayed played no reality on what I was truly like. To concede a little bit, however, I was growing in my faith in God, and I built some (I would like to think) very solid friendships with some great guys throughout those years. However this all led up to one Sunday morning at my church in Ohio...

The graduating seniors of the year came up to the front to be prayed for. At the end of the prayers a good friend of my parents whom I had grown to know a little bit approached me and essentially told me this:

"Seth, I have a word for you (to this day, I firmly believe it was a prophecy...those still do happen today, ya know:]): Seth, I saw you as a lion.... you were this lion, and you were in a cage, but you were [i would like to believe ferociously] breaking out of that cage."

This I have regarded as something that the Lord wanted me to know...That I have the potential to escape triumphantly from this haze of mediocrity that my life held me in. He wants me to know that I am much more than how I view myself...and that I will break loose from the boundaries of this limited, somehow maybe even sedated life and FAITH that I've been living. that is what I now seek

Some incredible things have happened to me over the past few hours. I had no money to buy christmas presents for my parents with, I had no gas money to get home, I had no money for groceries for my apartment, none for my car insurance payments...I somehow (and legitimately) I owe National City bank $230. That is apart from school loans and all other financial junk (i hate money). This morning at 10:45 I got an email from the school saying that I've been refunded $250. today. 250 dollars. I talked to a friend this morning...I was freaking out and soo excited. He said, "wow dude, that's your debt plus 20 bucks change!"

GO ahead and tell me that God isn't real and I'll tell you that he shows up all of the time like this
GO ahead and tell me that there is not power in Jesus' name and I'll tell you that I was healed of a very rare skin disease that was supposed to be with me for my entire life.
GO ahead and tell me that God doesn't direct our paths and I'll tell you that in my recent search for more intimacy with the Lord, he cleared my debt and is practically yelling at me: "Keep pushing Seth, you're almost there. There is so much more of me than what you have. We can be so much closer than we already are. Just keep pushing and seeking."

that's a rap...
sfk

The End of the Road...

I think God is breaking me...or something...I feel like I'm been numbed in so many circumstances that the ability to cry has been taken from me.
There's something about crying; The loss of control. The feeling of "Finally! A REAL emotion!"...it always brings me calling out to the Lord. In the past I've cried: the times I've been heartbroken, the times I've been helpless, the times I've been overwhelmingly thankful...

Last night I found out that somehow I've overdrawn my checking account. by a lot. Maybe this seems a not-so-tragic concept for some of you. For me, I just realized that any source of cash for food, gas...doesn't exist. I get paid a small amount soon but not near enough....ANYWAYS... I don't feel like talking about money right now.

Let me instead discuss the interesting fact that I've told 3 people recently that I feel absolutely helpless (my parents and a great friend)...and though I didn't hold any expectations as to what a proper response would be, I was shocked to hear them each say "That's a good place to be..."...Last night I cried. And please, spare me any flak about me saying this to get attention or any other reason...For almost an hour I just cried. About the things that have hit me over the past year. About the complete lack of control that I possess right now. About my parents moving to China in March. About my anger towards my friends that I've had....I cried. I cannot describe to you how good and horrible it felt at the same.

The only step that I have
left to take
Is to give over all control to the Lord
I don't know how everything will work out
nevertheless, God please help me. I've screwed everything up and everything around me seems hostile and attacking to me...Help me and don't ever let me stray so far away from you for this long ever again...

sfk

Sleepless in Seat-------...Umm...I mean Spring Arbor

Chances are...I'm going to talk a lot about Seattle in the near future. How pumped am I for it? You have no idea.

Something about the idea that God may really want to use a couple months of my life to just take me and mold me is incredible. Mix that with my ever increasing urge for the Lord recently and my countless failures in the past and you get one excited guy.

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land (Psalm 63:1)

How often have I been given opportunities to spend some one-on-one time with my Saviour?
Only to intentionally distract myself to escape having to deal with myself, my problems, my vast array of insecurities, and more intense yet: my inexplicable salvation from sin, the grace that's been giv'n to me so undervingly, and my Lord that is yearning for me to chase after Him...

No longer will I block out all of these things. I absolutely despise the fact that I can't handle silence. This next summer I will take advantage of this idea that God's given to me. A couple months of me and Him, some beach, some waves crashes against cliffs...some space needle...ha
I'll have some pictures of my own to share with you all after July hopefully ;)
until then,
sfk

mmm...

Three things on my mind today, and I may as well be honest:

(1) This is crab dip. A mixture of cream cheese, cheddar cheese, some other stuff, and crab meat...dip some crackers in this (crackers as in the small grain things, not as in white people) and it will seriously make your day. I LOOOOOOVE crab dip. oh dang...here's what it looks like. After I've eaten some...of course....

(2) I am practically jumping out of my clothes (that's probably not the proper phrase to use in that situation...) EXCITED to take off this summer. I'm planning on moving to Seattle to basically, genuinely, and as cliche as it sounds, find myself and have some solitude. There has been so much change in my life within the past 8 months that I really feel that God is nudging me to get away, spend some time with him, and do something different. Most of you know that my parents are moving away in early March to be m______s in China (I think I already need to start practicing using code in online posts. The Chinese government apparently filters through things that are viewed and I would never want to put them at risk, right?). Anyways, they're takin off...and so am I...lots of adventures ahead and I cannot wait!

and finally...

(3) well. as always. Women are on my mind :) The confusion that they cause inside of me. The adoration that...wait...I just realized I don't have near enough time to talk about this right now :) see ya ....

Some stuff I wrote this summer...

I have experienced defeat and then victory in so many ways this semester so far.

in writing down some of my feelings [those that prompted me to start this whole thing], they became more intense and accurate a summary of these last few months than I realized
so yea, here's what's been going on:

adoration is not so easily accepted
love is not so easily come by
feelings are never so easily withdrawn from
forgiveness is not so easily, willfully giv'n
brokeness is not so easily escaped from

healing is not so easily evaded
joy is not so easily hidden from
love has never before been so easily fulfilled by its truest form


I have truly experienced so much healing as well as brokenness over the past few months...so keep in mind that all that I speak of is of the past, but nevertheless has been a part of my life:

don't tell me
that I don't know what love is
that I have no idea...

because

it was you and me happy
you and me just 'being'
you and me laughing
you and me.
happy, 'being', and laughing
...so much that it was freeing

Do I think that it is destructive to recall these writings from my past? No. I have been able to get past these feelings and move on, and thank God for that. Anyone else ever wonder how Paul did it? Learning to be content no matter what situation he was in.

Yet my good friend Jen said the other day, "Yeah...But Seth, Paul had never experienced the joy of having a significant other in his life."
I don't know the accuracy of that...but it's a good point if it is, true, ey?

My family is about to all arrive and then its time for turkey! Talk to you later? yes
-sfk

the FAM

The start of something I have been planning on doing for awhile in preparation for Thanksgiving:

My mom: I am so thankful for her for so many reasons. From her I was given sensitivity and in her I see such an admirable sensitivity towards the Lord's callin for her and towards people. She's taken care of me and been the one in my life along with my dad that has consistently, no matter what the circumstance, added in the most genuine manner after a situation "You know that we love you, son. That will never change."

My dad: My dad is quite possibly the most influential person in my life [though he may not know this...well...at least until right about now when he's reading it]. I've never known a wiser man, and I say that very seriously. I have NEVER understood how my dad can be so incredibly strong in every situation, so incredibly gentle even in his disappointment with me, and so INCREDIBLY loving to me in the most unchanging manner possible. The fact that my dad adores me and loves me is not only one of the main things driving me in every day life, but is also one of the leading factors that have kept me near to God over the years.

My Brother Chris: I can't even tell you how much I love Chris and that he doesn't even know it. Plain and simple, I look up to him. To be completely honest, I don't believe that he thinks I look up to him at all. Since mom, dad, and justin live a little different lifestyles than him, I think he may look at the possibility of me looking up to him as not good...and this just isn't true. Chris is SOOOO cool. He always makes me laugh, and we seem to (at least I hope we do) share this sense of relevancy where we're on the same level of thought during some discussions and interactions within our family. If I could have one thing if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would simply ask that Chris look at Jesus and Christianity in my point of view: to many people, it appears SOOO lame and hypocritical because, well...Lots of Christians are INCREDIBLY lame and even moreso hypocritical. But that's not what matters. The Lord has seriously, no joke, REALLY changed my life. It's real, and I'm sorry that so many people ruin the reality of God and what God can do for someone. I'm sorry if I ever have, and I will try to keep praying that all of the shit in his life that has happened or is happening doesn't effect his view of God anymore. God is so real. Chris is such a "cool" guy to me. Every time I'm around him, I'm slightly embarrassed to say, I feel like I'm cooler. Ha. I love Chris so much and plan on trying to communicate that to him this Thanksgiving...

My Brother Justin: I cannot even believe sometimes the strength that it must take to get through what Justin has in the past year. There were so many times where I just wanted to cry for him. I just wanted to be able to take his place because I knew even from imagining what he must feel that the amount of hurt, insecurity, and anger inside must be completely overwhelming. I love Justin. He has always seemed so mature. He went to college, found a beautiful wife, got a great degree, was offered many generous jobs... This is what I saw myself hopefully also doing. Now that hell broke loose. Guess what. I still look up to him...probably even more. Though I've not talked to him in great detail personally about his situation, I believe that he ended up ultimately falling on the Lord for strength. That's the most important thing isn't it? Realizing that your own strength is just NOT going to cut it. Justin still strives for the Lord. That is proof to me that I am on the right track. I love Justin SOO much and am thankful that He remains a good model for me and a great brother...

come on, come here!

Late breaking news: S F K is not "hardcore" (hmm...I never thought that I would ever refer to myself in the third person in my life...that's too bad)

I'm in an incredibly fun hardcore band named "Come on Come here"...a ridiculous name in my opinion. However, me and four great friends get together and just release. Release Emotion, Energy, Brain Cells, any chance for my back to feel good :) It's great. I love it. I've always had a love for that screaming music that most of you despise. It seems so real to me for certain bands. I feel as if they understand better how to be honest and express themselves than a lot of other genres of music.

Other types of music I like: classical piano; any concert material from Bach, Beethoven, people like that; chill music is the best...ever...Copeland, Augustana anyone?; worship music...

Anyways...the point of this was actually only to post some cool pictures up from some of come on come here's shows...here they are :) what is hardcore anyways, right? whatever it is, you gotta love it...

A hopeful beginning...

So it's me, Seth. This is my first shot at genuinely keeping a blog on a consistent basis. First results: pretty darn good...considering this is only my first post!

Over the next few months [hopefully years], I hope to keep a very accurate, real, [funny] and honest blog of what's going on in my life. Your first thought may be similar to my first thought when learning how huge blogging is becoming: "what is the purpose of keeping a public journal? What do you seek in doing this?". Valid question. As I grow up, I realize more and more different aspects about my personality, character, and who the Lord has made me to be. One of those very aspects is the fact that sometimes, especially these days during some of the more extreme of the feelings that I've ever had in my life, I have thoughts in my head that are screaming to be let out. I am in a hardcore band, a worship band, a great community of friends, a wonderful university...but still I have things to say that I want people to hear. If no one was to ever read a blog post of mine, I would be completely fine with it. It's a matter of expressing what makes my heart ache. It's a matter of asking questions that I may not even want the answers to. It is a plain FACT that my generation is one of communication and affirmation. We look express ourselves, to become someone unique whether by our ideas or whatever else...We also look to be encouraged along the way. This can be a good and a bad thing.

In his The Imitation of Christ, Thomas a Kempis says

"Why, indeed, do we converse and gossip among ourselves when we so seldom part without a troubled conscience? We do so because we seek comfort from one another's conversation and wish to ease the mind wearied by diverse thoughts. Hence, we talk and think quite fondly of things we like very much or of things we dislike intensely."

My goal in this is not to gossip and waste my words (and possibility of carpal tunnel syndrome) with idle talk. Instead, I only seek to express myself. In this, I hope that it will challenge me to be a more diverse thinker. I hope that it challenges my faith in knowing that I should "compose another blog today".

I was writing down my feelings about some things in my life the other night and realized that I had no way of expressing it. Facebook ( i know...LAME) would have been too hurtful and direct to post onto. Myspace is loaded with pornography and fake identities. And for some reason, having a friend read or listen to at least SOME of the things I have to say just didn't seem enough. So here I go, being careful not to take advantage of a great opportunity to express myself and grow.

To you, reader, I say please feel free to read and comment and give me feedback. But be warned that I will be honest. If a blog is about you, I'm sorry (or maybe not, ey?). Let's see where this goes, shall we? :)


absconding reality,
-sfk