I think God is breaking me...or something...I feel like I'm been numbed in so many circumstances that the ability to cry has been taken from me.
There's something about crying; The loss of control. The feeling of "Finally! A REAL emotion!"...it always brings me calling out to the Lord. In the past I've cried: the times I've been heartbroken, the times I've been helpless, the times I've been overwhelmingly thankful...
Last night I found out that somehow I've overdrawn my checking account. by a lot. Maybe this seems a not-so-tragic concept for some of you. For me, I just realized that any source of cash for food, gas...doesn't exist. I get paid a small amount soon but not near enough....ANYWAYS... I don't feel like talking about money right now.
Let me instead discuss the interesting fact that I've told 3 people recently that I feel absolutely helpless (my parents and a great friend)...and though I didn't hold any expectations as to what a proper response would be, I was shocked to hear them each say "That's a good place to be..."...Last night I cried. And please, spare me any flak about me saying this to get attention or any other reason...For almost an hour I just cried. About the things that have hit me over the past year. About the complete lack of control that I possess right now. About my parents moving to China in March. About my anger towards my friends that I've had....I cried. I cannot describe to you how good and horrible it felt at the same.
The only step that I have
left to take
Is to give over all control to the Lord
I don't know how everything will work out
nevertheless, God please help me. I've screwed everything up and everything around me seems hostile and attacking to me...Help me and don't ever let me stray so far away from you for this long ever again...
sfk
There's something about crying; The loss of control. The feeling of "Finally! A REAL emotion!"...it always brings me calling out to the Lord. In the past I've cried: the times I've been heartbroken, the times I've been helpless, the times I've been overwhelmingly thankful...
Last night I found out that somehow I've overdrawn my checking account. by a lot. Maybe this seems a not-so-tragic concept for some of you. For me, I just realized that any source of cash for food, gas...doesn't exist. I get paid a small amount soon but not near enough....ANYWAYS... I don't feel like talking about money right now.
Let me instead discuss the interesting fact that I've told 3 people recently that I feel absolutely helpless (my parents and a great friend)...and though I didn't hold any expectations as to what a proper response would be, I was shocked to hear them each say "That's a good place to be..."...Last night I cried. And please, spare me any flak about me saying this to get attention or any other reason...For almost an hour I just cried. About the things that have hit me over the past year. About the complete lack of control that I possess right now. About my parents moving to China in March. About my anger towards my friends that I've had....I cried. I cannot describe to you how good and horrible it felt at the same.
The only step that I have
left to take
Is to give over all control to the Lord
I don't know how everything will work out
nevertheless, God please help me. I've screwed everything up and everything around me seems hostile and attacking to me...Help me and don't ever let me stray so far away from you for this long ever again...
sfk
3 comments:
I deff. agree. It's also wonderful that you were able to put it into writing... I think the whol idea of blogging, or just writing, in general is a great way to find out your true opinions of things. It all seems to come out when you write :o)
Your arms like towers, tower over me.
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